Senior Citizen Stephanie

Friday night, my boyfriend and I went to the Funnybone Comedy Club in Des Moines where we saw a comic named Darrell Joyce. He was unbelievably funny and did a bit about how old he’s getting. He told a story about how he tore two tendons in his shoulder sleeping. Yes. Sleeping. He was asleep and something startled him, and when he jumped he tore two tendons.

Funny thing is, Saturday morning I was putting laundry away, and after doing so I noticed that my back on the left side alongside my spine didn’t feel quite right. By the time I went to bed Saturday night, I was in tears it hurt so bad. So apparently tearing tendons while sleeping isn’t the only thing that happens as you get older—effing up your back while putting away laundry can also happen.

All of this started me thinking about things that have happened as I’VE gotten older—here’s the list I came up with.

• I rarely sleep through the night, which is crap when you consider I used to be one of the world’s best and heaviest sleepers.
• More often times than not, I wake up in the morning and I hurt. The one thing that is supposed to restore me, makes me wake up feeling like I just get my ass kicked.
• I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t a little bit tired.
• You’re hard pressed to find me awake past 10pm on a weeknight.
• I can’t drink like I used to. Or maybe I should replace ‘can’t’ with ‘shouldn’t’, because it’s not that I CAN’T—it’s just that if I do I’ll be hungover for AT LEAST two days.
• Even on days where I can sleep in, I find that I’m usually still up before 8am.
• If asked to make a choice between sitting on the couch with a blanket and going out—the couch and blanket win about 80% of the time.
• I’m starting to understand my grandma’s view on technology. You buy the newest thing you’re going to need the next newest thing in a week. A phone is a phone is a phone.
• I’ve become more frugal—so much so that I’ve considered making my own baby food for my unborn children.

There you have it. Proof I’m getting old. If the saying you’re only as old as you feel is really true I’ve got a problem. Because today, no thanks to 10mg Cyclonebenzaprine (muscle relaxer) and 375mg Naproxen (think Aleve on steroids), I feel like I’m about 68 years old.

I will have you know that I’m going to gym today though. The only time my back DOESN’T hurt is when I’m standing, so I figure I can do the elliptical machine. I also figure that the sooner I drop 50 pounds, the less I hurt. Seems like pretty good logic. In the meantime? No more putting away laundry.