Everything I Need to Know I Learned In…

All right. We’ve got a problem here. I think I’m screwed. You guys have all seen that cute little poster entitled, “Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” It lists out a bunch of things that were supposedly taught to you in kindergarten? It teaches good lessons, but here’s my issue. Ummm…I was only in kindergarten for a month. I was freakishly smart (notice the past tense), and they moved me up a grade a month into the school year. Here’s my concern–did I miss out on some life-altering lesson because I was only there for a month? Let’s take a look.

• Share everything. I’m not sure when I learned this, but I know it wasn’t in kindergarten. I HATED sharing my Barbies when I was younger, which could be a direct correlation to me hating Barbies later in life. That could have also been because I had a cousin who wanted to play them up until the age of 14. I will say this–I don’t know that EVERYTHING should be shared. I’d just as soon herpes stay with the person who has it.

• Play fair. I’m still not sure I do this to be honest. I’m that person who will bring up an incident from months prior just to guilt trip you. Not my finest quality–but we all do that to a point. The moral here is–don’t do anything shitty enough that’s going to be brought back up 4 months later.
• Don’t hit people. I feel like I knew this before kindergarten, so I may be okay here. I will admit that I’ve slapped people before, but they had it coming.
• Put things back where you found them. I feel like we regress in this as we get older, because we get LAZY. Just the other day, I’d brought something downstairs and it sat on the counter for DAYSbecause I would forget it when I went upstairs and was too lazy to make another trip.
• Clean up your own mess. This one gets more and more complicated as you get older. We’re not talking spilled milk anymore. We’re talking about messing up relationships. Or wiping down crime scenes. Regardless, you own your mess, and you clean it up without throwing a tantrum.
• Don’t take things that aren’t yours. In kindergarten this meant not taking Tommy’s dinosaur, or Susie’s stickers. Now? Now it means don’t take people’s hearts if they haven’t given them to you. Or their tv’s. Same goes for people’s virginity.
• Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody. Somewhere along the line I had this one OVERLYinstilled in me. I’m the world’s biggest apologizer. I will apologize incessantly and for things that aren’t my fault. It’s really quite annoying.
• Wash your hands before you eat. In my old age I’ve apparently become a germaphobe. I’m constantly washing my hands, and/or hand sanitizing. Okay. Not constantly, but if I sit here and talk about this any longer, I’m going to vomit.
• Flush. I’m not going to lie, sometimes I have problems with this. I grew up in a house where if you flushed the toilet and then tried to get in the shower the water went cold and then to scalding hot four minutes later. So when you went the bathroom in the morning, you waited until AFTER your shower to flush the toilet. And sometimes you forget. Sometimes I still forget. Don’t judge me.
• Warm cookies and milk are good for you. If you didn’t know this BEFORE you started kindergarten, you should have been held back a grade.
• Live a balanced life. Learn some, think some, draw, paint, sing, dance, play, and work every day. Hm. I couldn’t help but notice that in this list there’s nothing about watching TV? And it talks about working, but it lists a whole lot of other things before it. Maybe this isn’t a bad list to adhere to.
• Take a nap every afternoon. This is the part of kindergarten I think I got effed on the most. Although, in kindergarten, I don’t think anyone wanted to take a nap. If only we knew then what we know now!
• When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. I feel like we all know this is how it SHOULD be–but knowing it and doing it are two entirely different things.
• Be aware of wonder. How often do we take the time to stop and look at a sunset? Or the shapes in the clouds? Remember when a huge tower of Legos was the coolest thing ever? I think as adults we could all use a moment of wonder.
• Goldfish, and hamsters, and white mice all die. So do we. Tough pill to swallow for a kindergartner. And I’m not sure it gets any easier to swallow as an adult.
• Remember the Dick & Jane books and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all–LOOK. Look for what? The way I see it, you look for anything you want. Look for your soulmate, look for your lost keys, look for happiness, look before you leap–your options in regards to things to look for are endless.

So besides the whole flushing the toilet thing, I think I came out okay in spite of barely being a kindergartner. I’m 28 years old and I don’t know that I’m any closer to figuring things out now than I was yesterday, but can you imagine how much safer the world would be if all of us really did watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together? Or how much more awe-inspiring the world would be if we were more aware of wonder?

These things really may have been learned in kindergarten, but as we get older, we seem to forget them. So have some milk and cookies when you get home, flush the toilet, and if you happen to hurt someone–say you’re sorry. Take a nap if you want, although I’d suggest not doing it at work if you want to still have a job. People are always wishing things were simpler–this is how we get there. Kindergartners know no fear, they haven’t been exposed to all the things that we as adults have, they’re not jaded. But you know what? We don’t have to be either–because all these things we learned in kindergarten STILL ring true. All we have to do is stop and LOOK.