As I write this, shivering from being in an air conditioned room, it is 96 degrees out. It doesn’t stop there though. Because of the humidity that’s in the air, our heat index is 107. I think it’s safe to say summer has begun. I think it’s also safe to say that at least once a day until September, we’re going to hear someone say, “Ugh. It’s soooo hot out,” or some variation of that.

We know EVERY year this is going to happen, but it’s like we hold out a little bit of hope that maybe, just MAYBE this will be the summer it never gets above 85. Just like we wish every winter it wouldn’t snow (to be fair this past winter we didn’t have much) or get below freezing. Newsflash. If you don’t want snow, and don’t want hot—don’t live in the Midwest. Shocking revelation I know.

So since we’re all going to have to suck it up the next couple of months, we may as well make the most of it. Below I’ve put some things that you can do to beat the heat, some more costly than others—but ways to beat it nonetheless.

  • Stay inside, watch Billy Madison, and listen for the line, “It’s too damn hot for a penguin to just be walkin’ around!”
  • Visit your local aquatic center and fend off the little kids playing Marco Polo.
  • Work on your tan while laying under a sprinkler.
  • Ice cream, ice cream, and more ice cream.
  • Stay inside and watch movies with ‘hot’ in the title (Some Like It Hot, Hot Tub Time Machine, Wet Hot American Summer).
  • Find a rich friend and watch a baseball game in a suite.
  • Sit directly in front of the air conditioner with a hat and scarf on and think ahead six months from now.

Six months from now we’ll be talking about how to keep warm. Six months from now we’ll long for it to be warmer. I know, I know—no one wants it THIS warm, but you know what? It is and unless you know something the rest of us don’t about Mother Nature—there’s no changing it. So quit acting surprised about how hot it is (happens every year), stop commenting on how hot it is (because we are all very well aware), and stop complaining about how hot it is (unless you’re a roofer or a landscaper or you don’t have air).

It is hot. Yes. But you know what? You’re going to be okay. You’re going to make it. So either sulk your summer away, acting all miserable because of the heat—or man up and take up water sports. Or watermelon eating contests. Or water balloon fights. Or county fair hopping. Basically take up anything but sulking. No one likes a sulker—and besides, sulking just might zap more energy out of you than the heat.


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