Leading Me Astray

Posted: May 31, 2012 in Life, Relationships, Religion
Tags: , , , , , ,

I found a couple different definitions for the word astray earlier this morning. The first one defined it as being off the correct, or known path. The second one was a bit more harsh, defining it as being away from which is right; into error, confusion, or undesirable action or thought.

Either way, I believe they apply to me right now. You see, lately, I’ve really been struggling in my walk with God. It’s not that I’ve stopped believing in Him, or that I’m not thankful for all that He’s done. It’s not even that I’m upset with him for anything. I think the issue is that lately I feel like I’ve been a hypocrite, and I’m having issues reconciling that.

I’m not perfect (shocking I know). And I know that one thing God is REALLY good at is forgiving people. I’m good at that too—but there seems to be one person I have issues forgiving. Myself.

This all started a couple months ago I think. A church class I’d been taking had just ended, and I feel like I’m at my very best when I’m in those classes. I have a tendency to really try and live what I’m learning when I’m in those, but when they end—it becomes harder. That combined with missing a few weeks of church for various reasons (some controllable, some not) caused a bit of a disconnect.

And you know how sometimes when you stop doing something for awhile, like working out, it becomes harder and harder to get back to it the longer you go without doing it? I’ve found that for me, at this point in my life, church is no different. When I’m involved, and actively learning—I can’t get enough. Now it’s time to dive back in and I’m hesitating because lately I feel like I haven’t been a very good Christian.

I went to great lengths to write a blog a few months back about not getting drunk anymore, and I meant every single word I said in that blog. But in the course of the past couple months, that’s happened far more than it should and it’s hard for me to reconcile going to church on Sunday, diving into God’s word throughout the week, and then blatantly dishonoring him.

I do realize that the answer doesn’t lie in me not trying—in fact, I believe it’s times like these that I need to turn to God the most. I think this may be what people are referring to when they use the term ‘crisis of faith.’

Last night, I received some tough love on the matter. Things were said I wasn’t ready to hear, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t need to hear them. Sometimes on a faith walk you need to get uncomfortable. Big risks can equal big rewards, right? And somewhere in the book of Joshua it tells me that I need not be discouraged for the Lord is with me wherever I go.

The only thing leading me astray right now is me and if I use the second definition up top especially, astray isn’t somewhere I want to be. Ends up I’ve been going down the wrong road, so I’m turning around. I was given directions last night, so I know how to get there. They may have been unwanted at the time, but it ends up they were desperately needed. So now I use them, because when someone tries to help you and lays it all out for you…you’d be a fool not to snatch those directions out of their hands.

  1. diaryofasagittarius says:

    Don’t be discouraged or too hard on yourself. I know its hard because I am also my own worst enemy. But from what you describe it seems like your heart is in the right place so with that being said you will always find your way back to what truly makes you happy and gives you comfort 🙂

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