Won’t Back Down

Posted: January 5, 2012 in Family, Friendship, Life, Relationships
Tags: , , , , , , ,

So to those of you who know me, I’m not about to reveal a shocking revelation. There’s nothing I’m going to say in these next few sentences that is going to blow your mind—and in fact, some of you may even be able to sympathize with me. So here it is.

I suck at fighting, I avoid confrontation at all costs, I’m too nice sometimes, and I don’t stand up for myself like I should. Told you none of you who knew me would be surprised.

Thing is, I don’t understand where it came from. I’m okay with being nice—I’m actually MORE than okay with being nice—mean people suck. I know that no one likes to mince words with someone, and unless you’re one of those who thrives on creating drama—most sane people don’t ENJOY confrontation. I suppose my biggest issue then is the whole not standing up for myself thing.

Here’s a brief synopsis of what happens when I have an argument with someone. One of us says something. The other one says something. We say some more stuff. I get upset and maybe cry. Then I apologize. Not for crying, for the whole fiasco. Doesn’t matter what the fight was about, or who started it, I want it to be over—so I cave. And more often times than not, I do so without ever having stood up for myself.

I think that some people take advantage of it too. I feel like sometimes regardless of if I’m the instigator or the one getting yelled at—I end up feeling bad. I could be berated by someone, and somehow, by the time it was all said and done, I’d be the one apologizing.

Now don’t get me wrong—I think forgiveness is one of the most powerful things in the world, and I think while it’s sometimes hard to give, it can be liberating when you offer it. However, I’m not talking about holding grudges or anything like that—I’m just talking about being a little less spineless. All my life I’ve cared probably a little bit too much about what people think about me. I don’t want to get into a fight with my best friend, I don’t want to get into a fight with my mom, or my boyfriend, or my sister—so even when it’s me being lectured, or ridiculed, or screamed at—I back down. Which I don’t think I have to tell you is crap. Pure crap.

I’m an intelligent, funny, caring young woman. I know all the state capitals, read like a champ, write like a pro, and I volunteer. I could totally take you when it comes to Sudoku, my Scotcharoos would beat yours any day, and you’d quiver in fear if we had a movie quote competition. So what gives? Why am I such a pansy when it comes to standing up for myself?

Well. I’ve found I only have that issue when I’m standing up to someone I love. I don’t want to rock the boat with those people because when there’s tension in those relationships it sucks. The thing that should be remembered though is that those people have FAR more respect for me than the lady in the grocery store who grabs the last box of Cap’n Crunch out of my hand. So those people, in theory, should appreciate it when I stand up for myself.

So maybe this is another New Year’s resolution of sorts—to quit being pushed around. It may help to keep the peace—but when I don’t stand up for myself it’s anything but peaceful in my head. So wish me luck—and if you pick a fight with me in the near future…watch out.

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