Confidence, Confidence, wherefore art thou Confidence?

Posted: October 19, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

So I have a confession to make. I haven’t blogged in over a month. Wait. Make that two confessions. Second one? I’m not near as confident as most of you might think. Some of you may not be blown away by that confession, but I’m kind of shocked by it and I’m the one typed it.

I don’t know where that lack of confidence stems from–in fact I almost feel like it’s gotten worse the older I’ve gotten–shouldn’t it be the other way around? I lived a pretty charmed life as a kid. I had a great family, great friends, was good at sports, and was pretty intelligent. None of those things have changed–so what the hell happened? I’ll tell you what happened. Life.

I can sit here and tell you about how there will always be people who try to make you feel small, and how you shouldn’t let them. I can sit here and tell you about how you need to stand up for what you believe in no matter the consequences. I can sit here and tell you that what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. I can throw every cliche in the book at you, but you know what? I’m not going to because I can’t back those cliches up.

I can’t sit here and tell you about the time that a bully came up to me on the playground, I stood up for myself, and everyone clapped. I can’t tell you about the time I was being harassed at work and had the balls to report the person (part of that is because I don’t actually have balls though). I can’t tell you about how I was in a relationship and never once thought that the person was going to leave.

I’ve had people in my life tell me they want to be more like me, which means I must do a pretty damn good job of hiding the fact that confidence accounts for about 0.6% of my personality traits. Ask 10 people to describe me in three words–I guarantee not a single person uses the word ‘confident.’

I can tell you the words they’ll use. They’ll use funny. Caring. Intelligent. Thoughtful. Sympathetic. Fun to be around. And you know what? If it comes down to being described using THOSE words versus ‘confident’, I’ll take those words any time. Funny thing is the fact that I know that’s how people would describe me, should do loads for my confidence. How’s that for ironic?

I get it. I do. I’m a good daughter, a great sister, an amazing friend, and hopefully a pretty phenomenal girlfriend (most of the time)–but yet I more often times than not let my lack of confidence dictate my life. I don’t stand up for myself, I’m a pushover, I let people walk all over me, and I fear pretty much on a daily basis that I’m going to end up being abandoned. (You’d think I was a recovering drug addict who’d been in 18 foster homes before landing with the perfect American family–no offense to anyone who actually has that as their life story).

So here’s my plan. I’m going to dye my hair purple, get a couple more piercings, and adopt the motto, “Don’t take no shit from no one.”

Okay. So that’s a lie. But seriously. If you’re in the boat I’m in, if you’re someone who is pretty freaking blessed but sometimes loses sight of that, just stop a minute. Take pride in the fact that you are who you are, and remember that the next time someone is mean to you, or the next time you feel like someone’s going to leave you. I’m a good person, I’m a big fan of me to tell you the truth–I just fear sometimes that other people aren’t. But at the end of the day you have to stop caring about that–because YOU are the only person who has to live with YOU 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And if you like yourself (just not TOO much), then everything else follows suit–and eventually you can stop pretending to have confidence because you’ll actually HAVE it. I’m looking forward to that part–do you have any idea how exhausting it is to pretend? Of course you do–or else you wouldn’t have read this far.

So you know what? Don’t take no shit from no one. Just don’t go buy a t-shirt with that on it. That may come across a little TOO confident and you’re just going to confuse people if you go from one extreme to another.


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