The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly…But Mostly the Bad

Posted: April 29, 2011 in Dating, Life, Relationships
Tags: , ,

Some of you guys are single, some of you are in relationships, others still are engaged, married, divorced, or maybe even widowed. Our relationship statuses are all different, but we do have one thing in common. We’ve all been on a date–we’ve all had SOME sort of relationship. Maybe it lasted a day. Maybe it was with a married person. Maybe it was based purely on…well…ummm…carnal knowledge of the other person? Any way you slice it, we’ve all experienced something that can be classified as a relationship.

The other thing I think we can all bank on is that there’s at least one doozy in our list of former flames (or whatever you want to call them). The definition of a doozy is something excellent–good OR bad. For comedy’s sake, I’m going to go with with something excellently bad as my definition.

If you don’t have a doozy to tick off when thinking of past whatevers, consider yourself lucky. I’m sure I have at least one you can borrow though if you feel like you’re missing out. In no particular order, I’m going to list some of my doozies. I’m not going to use names, but some of you will know these people–or at least the stories behind them. Also, keep in mind as you read, I have absolutely NO ill will towards these people–in fact, now that time has passed, it’s quite the opposite because they’ve given me such good material.

1. The Crier
Imagine you’re 800 miles from home. You’re at the bar with your boyfriend and some friends, and you see two guys you went to college with…800 miles away. You explain to your boyfriend what’s going on, get up, and go hug them. 5 minutes later you go back to the table to discover your boyfriend has thrown your purse across the bar upon seeing you hug these guys. You find him outside, diffuse the situation, break up with him a week later, and proceed to listen to him cry.

2. The Bartender
Really…the title says it all. Girls at least know they aren’t supposed to do ANYTHING with bartenders. This particular bartender worked on Beale Street. So not only was he a bartender, he was a bartender on probably one of the top five party streets in the country. Hey. Don’t judge me. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

3. Veggie Tales Guy
It should be noted that this guy was one of the NICEST guys ever. However, he was a Veggie Tales fan due to his niece, which is kind of endearing. I won’t lie, I’ve seen the show before. What I haven’t done though is downloaded songs from the show to my iPod Touch and then proceeded to sing them on a first date. If I had known how to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle without getting hurt, I would have done it that night.

4. Riverboat Captain
I know this sounds made up but I swear it’s not…although knowing this guy, maybe it was. He TOLD me that he was a captain on a riverboat that drove barges up and down the Mississippi River. It was a perfect relationship for someone who didn’t want to be in one. He’d work for two weeks, then be home for two weeks. While this guy was around, most people talked to me like I was a pirate.

5. The Possibly Gay Guy
It should be noted here that I have absolutely NO problem with gay people. I know several, and have nothing bad to say about them, very much the opposite in fact. However, this guy still lived with his parents and had a somewhat feminine voice. He went on and on about how much fun he’d had in Iowa City one weekend and I told him I’d never had a bad time there. I asked what they’d done (they being him and his guy friends), expecting his response to be something about the bars and out came, “We went antique shopping!” Hmmm.

6. The Bouncer
As the nickname would suggest, this guy was a bouncer at a bar. The ONLY reason he made the list is because he coined one of the funniest phrases ever. I was talking about something, I can’t remember what now, and he proceeded to pet me. When I turned to look at him he smiled and said, “You’re prettier when you’re quiet.”

7. The Ex-Con
So I gave this guy a key to my house a week before I found out he had spent significant time in jail for fraud. Not my finest moment, but to be fair I’d asked and he hadn’t owned up. Oops.

Don’t get me wrong–I haven’t struck out EVERY time I’ve gone out with a guy–these are just the most comical ones (at least in hindsight)!

Regardless of where you are relationship wise–remember this. They can be freaking hard, but that ends up being what makes them so good. Getting through those hard times brings you closer together. So you take the bad with the good, and you cherish them both.

I’ve been single way more years than I’ve been with someone, and I know that being single can be exhausting if you want to be dating someone. I’ve dumped people for the lamest reasons (you’re too nice, you’re not 21 so you can’t go to the bar), and I’ve been dumped which TOTALLY sucks–and really makes you think twice about axing someone. (Then it comes time to do it and you realize it’s not THAT bad).

My point here is that you have to go through the excellently bad doozies to get to the excellently good doozies. Granted, I’m in a spot where I’m not single anymore–and we all know it’s easier for non-single people to talk about how everything happens for a reason, and everyone has someone out there for them. You read about some of the people from my past though–and if I’d given up after any of those yahoos–two things would’ve happened.
1. I wouldn’t have nearly as many funny stories.
2. I never would’ve ended up where I am now.

So take this away with you:

If you’re single–keep going. Maybe it feels like you have nowhere to go, but you will eventually.
If you’re attached–don’t be a pansy and cut and run at the first sign of trouble–you’ll miss the good stuff if you do.

And if you think both of those tips are bullshit–then take this with you.

Nothing good comes of dating someone who is going to be referred to by their occupation when you tell stories about them. Same goes for nicknames derived from children’s shows, rap sheets, sexual orientation, or emotional states.

Consider yourself warned–you proceed at your own risk with those types from this point forward.

Have a great weekend!

  1. Stephanie Lengtat says:

    Enjoyed reading this. My top doozy was the guy that spent the entire night talking about this best friend and threw in that his mom is a bi-polar psychophrenic. ya, not sure I spelled that right but you know what I mean….

    Glad you started a blog! 😉

  2. wmarsau says:

    Great article. Good insights. Hope I don’t end up on this list someday. lol

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